Now here’s what I have to say. Hammer, Neidy Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 10:57 AM To:
McHugh, Heather
I was going to say this to you in person, you know, like a decent human being, but I don’t really want to see you.
Firstly, how DARE you insinuate that I do not have the control over my mental state to know what I do and do not think or feel. Secondly, no. I was not manic, I was pissed. On Valentine’s Day, I was also NOT manic. This might be a hard thing for you to understand, but I know my ups and downs, and after 19 years of learning to control myself, I know how to keep myself in check without being medicated. So, to make my point clear, you deserved every bit how pissed I was the other day.
Third, do NOT try to make me sound stupid. I’m not arguing over what you “feel”, I’m just letting you know how you were acting. Yes, you said we “needed to talk” but then, you never replied to me, you never spoke with me, and in fact when I texted you asking if you had really just forgot about me you said “no. that’s why I wanted to talk to you.” Well honey, that’s not what you talked to me about, excuse me, emailed me about. As per usual you lacked the nerve to say what you had to. Typical.
Next, I’m not the one that introduced you to my best friend and brought you to meet my godson. I didn’t bring you around my teammates. I didn’t text my friends after having sex with my girlfriend saying “I just fucked Heather and was thinking about Neidy”. I didn’t get drunk and show up at people’s doors talking about how smart Neidy is and how much I miss her. All of that, was you.
What makes it even better is that you walked around with notes from me on you for MONTHS. You thought about me every day. Granted, I was thinking about you too, but I’m not too afraid to admit it.
Which brings me to my next point. You, my friend, give in to what ever is easiest. I mean no offense by this, but the past does not disappear, you have to grow from it. So when you’re thinking about me again, when you realize that “in 5 years, regardless of who [you’re] with, [[you] can’t see [yourself] with Heather”. When that comes back, and when you look in your bookbag at the notes from me, when you fuck other girls and imagine how good I am in bed, when you have an intellectual conversation and you think of me, when you see Chase’s Elmo book and picture me reading with him and Barnes and Nobles, then, then maybe you will finally realize what EVERYONE around you could see. You were falling in love with me. And you got scared, as usual, and you ran away.
Also, sorry I have to be the one to break it to you, but the memory of cheating never disappears. No matter how hard you work to make you and Heather work, no matter how close it gets to being good again, in the back of both of your minds will be the memory of the other one cheating, and the memory of cheating yourself. And in those moments, everything you have worked to put back together will see volatile and delicate and impossible to hold on to. Trust me, I’ve been there a million and one times. Every single person I’ve been with has cheated on me so I know better than most what it does to someone’s head.
Almost done: About Valentine’s? How you wished it had been Heather who had done something like that for you? Heather would never and will never do something like that. Do you know why? Because that came from MY mind, and Heather will never be me. Sorry.
I can’t believe you’re denying that you were happy. That’s actually kind of funny. How could you not recognize how big your smile was whenever you saw me? How could you not notice the way you kissed me or how long you would let me hold you in parking lots or bedrooms or anywhere? Don’t get me wrong here. At this point, I’m done with your bullshit. There’s no more chances, I just want you to recognize the error in the words you sent to me.
There’s something I want to know though, why did you try to hurt me? I know you’re sitting there right now thinking, I wasn’t trying! But I’m not talking about by getting back together with Heather, I’m talking about in your email. Of all the words you could’ve said to me, all the ways you could have expressed what you were feeling, you chose ways that you knew would hurt me the most. You called out my bi-polar and you compared me to her. Why? Do you want the satisfaction of knowing that I sat in my car crying for hours? If that’s what you want, you can have it. You hurt me. I was a fucking mess that night. Are you happy now? But you know what you should know? You’re not the first to make me feel like that, and you’re not going to be the last either. But every time I hurt like that, I pull myself back together. And even when I feel like I can’t breathe and I don’t want to open my eyes I know, that when someone else comes along, the pain that I experienced from all the people in my life will NEVER make me afraid to be open and to love. I am a strong person, and all the hurt in the world could not change me.
I’m not sorry I fell so hard for you. Everything in life is a learning experience. I really did care about you, and you’re right, I was going to fall in love sooner or later if you stuck around. But I don’t regret sticking it out until the end. There have been few things in my life that I was willing to look like an absolute desperate idiot for, and you were one of them. Thank you. Not sarcastically, honestly, thank you for the time I had with you. I was truly happy, and you have a place in my heart for giving me that.
Finally, I don’t want to be friends. I know you said that to me, but I want to let you know that I feel the same. Not only do I not want to be friends, I know I couldn’t handle being friends with you. Not because it would hurt, or because I’m pathetic or any of those silly reasons, but because I cared so deeply about you, and that doesn’t just disappear in an instant. So, I’m going to ask you please not to contact me. Delete my number from your phone. I won’t go to GSA. Don’t ask people for my number if you’re drunk. Don’t email me. Don’t even wave at me in the hallway.
-Neidy
P.S. I don’t hate you. I don’t know how my roommates feel, but I’m not the kind of person to hate anyone unless they really do something horrible to me.
Firstly, how DARE you insinuate that I do not have the control over my mental state to know what I do and do not think or feel. Secondly, no. I was not manic, I was pissed. On Valentine’s Day, I was also NOT manic. This might be a hard thing for you to understand, but I know my ups and downs, and after 19 years of learning to control myself, I know how to keep myself in check without being medicated. So, to make my point clear, you deserved every bit how pissed I was the other day.
Third, do NOT try to make me sound stupid. I’m not arguing over what you “feel”, I’m just letting you know how you were acting. Yes, you said we “needed to talk” but then, you never replied to me, you never spoke with me, and in fact when I texted you asking if you had really just forgot about me you said “no. that’s why I wanted to talk to you.” Well honey, that’s not what you talked to me about, excuse me, emailed me about. As per usual you lacked the nerve to say what you had to. Typical.
Next, I’m not the one that introduced you to my best friend and brought you to meet my godson. I didn’t bring you around my teammates. I didn’t text my friends after having sex with my girlfriend saying “I just fucked Heather and was thinking about Neidy”. I didn’t get drunk and show up at people’s doors talking about how smart Neidy is and how much I miss her. All of that, was you.
What makes it even better is that you walked around with notes from me on you for MONTHS. You thought about me every day. Granted, I was thinking about you too, but I’m not too afraid to admit it.
Which brings me to my next point. You, my friend, give in to what ever is easiest. I mean no offense by this, but the past does not disappear, you have to grow from it. So when you’re thinking about me again, when you realize that “in 5 years, regardless of who [you’re] with, [[you] can’t see [yourself] with Heather”. When that comes back, and when you look in your bookbag at the notes from me, when you fuck other girls and imagine how good I am in bed, when you have an intellectual conversation and you think of me, when you see Chase’s Elmo book and picture me reading with him and Barnes and Nobles, then, then maybe you will finally realize what EVERYONE around you could see. You were falling in love with me. And you got scared, as usual, and you ran away.
Also, sorry I have to be the one to break it to you, but the memory of cheating never disappears. No matter how hard you work to make you and Heather work, no matter how close it gets to being good again, in the back of both of your minds will be the memory of the other one cheating, and the memory of cheating yourself. And in those moments, everything you have worked to put back together will see volatile and delicate and impossible to hold on to. Trust me, I’ve been there a million and one times. Every single person I’ve been with has cheated on me so I know better than most what it does to someone’s head.
Almost done: About Valentine’s? How you wished it had been Heather who had done something like that for you? Heather would never and will never do something like that. Do you know why? Because that came from MY mind, and Heather will never be me. Sorry.
I can’t believe you’re denying that you were happy. That’s actually kind of funny. How could you not recognize how big your smile was whenever you saw me? How could you not notice the way you kissed me or how long you would let me hold you in parking lots or bedrooms or anywhere? Don’t get me wrong here. At this point, I’m done with your bullshit. There’s no more chances, I just want you to recognize the error in the words you sent to me.
There’s something I want to know though, why did you try to hurt me? I know you’re sitting there right now thinking, I wasn’t trying! But I’m not talking about by getting back together with Heather, I’m talking about in your email. Of all the words you could’ve said to me, all the ways you could have expressed what you were feeling, you chose ways that you knew would hurt me the most. You called out my bi-polar and you compared me to her. Why? Do you want the satisfaction of knowing that I sat in my car crying for hours? If that’s what you want, you can have it. You hurt me. I was a fucking mess that night. Are you happy now? But you know what you should know? You’re not the first to make me feel like that, and you’re not going to be the last either. But every time I hurt like that, I pull myself back together. And even when I feel like I can’t breathe and I don’t want to open my eyes I know, that when someone else comes along, the pain that I experienced from all the people in my life will NEVER make me afraid to be open and to love. I am a strong person, and all the hurt in the world could not change me.
I’m not sorry I fell so hard for you. Everything in life is a learning experience. I really did care about you, and you’re right, I was going to fall in love sooner or later if you stuck around. But I don’t regret sticking it out until the end. There have been few things in my life that I was willing to look like an absolute desperate idiot for, and you were one of them. Thank you. Not sarcastically, honestly, thank you for the time I had with you. I was truly happy, and you have a place in my heart for giving me that.
Finally, I don’t want to be friends. I know you said that to me, but I want to let you know that I feel the same. Not only do I not want to be friends, I know I couldn’t handle being friends with you. Not because it would hurt, or because I’m pathetic or any of those silly reasons, but because I cared so deeply about you, and that doesn’t just disappear in an instant. So, I’m going to ask you please not to contact me. Delete my number from your phone. I won’t go to GSA. Don’t ask people for my number if you’re drunk. Don’t email me. Don’t even wave at me in the hallway.
-Neidy
P.S. I don’t hate you. I don’t know how my roommates feel, but I’m not the kind of person to hate anyone unless they really do something horrible to me.
